According to clubland sources, all warm up DJs are to be replaced with central heating systems by the year 2020.
The decision was made during a secret meeting at the annual Promoters International Secret Summit, or PISS, held in Geneva earlier this week.
Wunderground spoke to Martin Smith, a promoter and PISS spokesperson, “It’s 2017, we’ve had a number of really significant technological advances in recent years and we no longer need warm up DJs to warm up the crowd,” he told us. “They’re obsolete, just like Gameboys or pagers and from 2020 onwards you won’t find them in any clubs or club nights associated with PISS.”
“Over the next three years all of our members will be fitting their clubs with sophisticated central heating systems that will do an incredible job of heating the place up,” continued Smith. “These systems have been designed in a way to vibrate and rattle which makes them sound almost identical to tech house.”
“This will allow clubs to continue to warm up their crowd for years to come for a small one of payment,” claimed the promoter. “It makes good economical sense as warm up acts generally don’t sell that many tickets, constantly expect to be paid and have the cheek to ask for some of their friends to be put on the guestlist.”
According to DJ Ian Martin, a.k.a. DJ Mart-Iani, the decision to replace warm up DJs with central heating will be a massive mistake for the industry.
“It’s stupid,” claimed Martin. “Most clubs are fucking sweat boxes once you get a few people into them so what good is central heating going to do. If you ask me, they’d be far better off replacing warm up DJs with air conditioning units.”
Reports suggest that PISS may have trouble finding contractors to install the central heating systems after the plumber’s union declared none of their members would be willing to accept drink vouchers as payment for installation.