English pub chain and urine wholesalers Wetherspoons have announced plans to open a number of “Ibiza style beach clubs” in some of the UK’s busiest seaside towns.
The first beach club, pictured above and set to be named Ocean Strand Beach Club, is likely to open in Skegness this coming April.
“We’re very excited at the prospect of a having a beach club in every major seaside resort in the UK,” Wetherspoons spokesperson Jamie Miller told us. “We really want to capture the essence of an Ibiza beach club and repackage it in a much more somber and grey environment in an attempt to breathe a bit of life and colour into these shithole towns.”
“We’ll certainly have our work cut out trying to brighten up the likes of Skegness, Blackpool or Hastings but people told us we wouldn’t be able to open a bar in every British town and we all know how that went,” Miller continued. “Never underestimate the power of cheap booze, you know the old saying ‘where there’s a will there’s a way’, well, here at Wetherspoons, we have our own version ‘where there’s a pint for under £2 there’s a certainty’ and we haven’t been wrong yet.”
Reports suggest that the beach clubs will be located in “key seaside location” but not necessarily beside the sea.
Miller explained, “In order to truly make this a genuine experience we’ve decided to import all of the sand for our beach clubs straight from Ibiza. This means we don’t have to have venues that open out onto the seafront as they’d most likely be flooded during the winter.”
“Plus, by not having access to the sea, we will be eliminating the risk of any of our customers showing up in swimsuits, which I’m sure we’ll all agree is something none of us want to see.”
According to one Wetherspoons local, the new beach clubs sound “amazing” and he will definitely frequent them when they open, despite not being into “any of that fancy shit”.
He spoke to Wunderground, “When I first heard ‘Ibiza beach club’ I wasn’t really interested, sounds a bit too upmarket for me, but once I heard the actual plans I changed my mind. It’s basically just another pub, but with sand instead of carpet.”
“To be honest with you, I don’t really care once I can still have my five pints of Fosters and have enough change out of a tenner for a pack of crisps for my walk home.”