In breaking news from the worlds of romance and beverages, whiskey has officially replaced food as the best way to a man’s heart.
The latest development has been described as a “devastating turn of events” for the food industry and is likely to have major knock-on effects for businesses all over the world.
According to sources, the easy availability of “food porn” on the internet has somewhat desensitised men to real food in recent years, often leaving them underwhelmed and unsatisfied by what they are served.
“Nobody’s actually getting a burger with fifteen beef patties, half a pound of bacon and enough cheese to give an entire football team a heart attack,” claimed Jason Steel, an internet expert from London, England. “But that’s what men are looking at on the internet every day. Then, they get home and they’re given meat and two veg for their dinner, you’re not getting into anyone’s heart with that.”
“Unless you’re a Michelin Star chef, the days of getting into a man’s heart with food are well and truly numbered,” continued Steele. “Now, your best bet for heart access is through alcohol and the latest research has found that whiskey is by far the most effective on men.”
Andy Barker, a local moron from some shithole in Wales who claims to be a “bit of a stud”, agrees with the latest news.
“Yeah, I pretty much hate food these days, that’s another thing the internet’s gone and ruined on me,” he explained. “There was a time when all a woman would have to do was serve me a Big Mac and I’d instantly fall in love with her but those days are long gone.”
“Now, all that does it for me is a good stiff whiskey, you give me one of those and I’m gonna want to shag you straight away, give me a couple more and I’ll probably try it on with you, give me enough and I’ll go home with whatever woman’s willing to touch my penis, it might not be true love but it’s definitely effective.”
A spokesperson for Irish whiskey distiller Jameson has claimed that the ultimate recipe for love is whiskey, served over ice with ginger ale and fresh lime, or a “trouser remover” as it is better known in Ireland.