The latest research has confirmed that as many as one in every four STIs contracted in the UK is linked to a DJ.
The research, carried out by some bloke called Tony, claims that DJs are accountable for a national chlamydia epidemic and should be made to carry a public health warning.
“I fucking hate DJs, they’re nothing but dirty pricks, literally,” Tony angrily told Wunderground. “Did you know, ninety-nine percent of DJs have an STI. That’s not just me saying that, it’s science, and most of them don’t even know about it, they’re shagging their way around the country and spreading their germs like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter on hot toast.”
“Most of them are right ugly munters too,” continued the man, who seemed to have some sort of personal vendetta against DJs. “Honestly, if they weren’t DJs nobody would be shagging them, but just because they play a few tunes at the weekend they think they’re god’s gift. Well, I’m not having it, they’re nothing but disease riddled cretins and it’s about bloody time the NHS did something to put an end to it.”
“If it were up to me, I’d put a total ban on DJs altogether. Why do we even need them playing music in clubs? A Spotify playlist would do just as good a job and, as far as I know, it’s almost impossible to catch an STI off Spotify?”
After carrying out a small bit of research, we discovered that Tony was, in fact, a failed DJ, who was given numerous chances to play in clubs but blew them all by having a bad attitude and believing the universe owed him a career in music.