An inter-governmental drug enforcement report has issued a worldwide warning which states that taking ecstasy can lead to an increased risk of “something” and that people should exercise extreme caution when using the drug.
The report, based on the most comprehensively compiled pseudo-scientific hearsay, advised people to “panic and misunderstand the risks of taking ecstasy” and to “ignore all reports to the contrary that claim alcohol is more dangerous than ecstasy because there is no science to back that up, so don’t try and look it up”.
“We’ve just received governmental guidelines that using the drug MDMA or ecstasy can increases people’s risk of something,” declared not-scientifically-trained Drug Enforcement Administration spokesperson Arnaud LeStrade. “It’s a damning report and highlights the dangers that taking the drug can lead to. People need to be aware that when they’re taking ecstasy they’re running the risk of something happening.”
“We’re not entirely sure what that “something” is but we’re advising people to be scared of it, just to be safe,” continued LeStrade. “I think the best response people can have to this non-specific threat of “something” is to take the warning at face value without performing even the most rudimentary of research, become extremely scared and never take the drug again.”
“That would be ideal,” he added.
The report claimed that while the drug enforcement bodies “have no idea what ‘something’ is – [they] are confident that it’s more dangerous than taxable alcohol, cigarettes and prescription drugs put together times ten infinity plus one.”
Some corners of the media expressed doubts about the legitimacy of the report but police quelled any misgivings by assuring people that the science in the report was “comprehensive in that it comprehensively reinforced [their] incorrect beliefs.”
Daily Mail correspondents responded gleefully to the report with their own claims that “something” causes 100% of all deaths in the UK each year and that all incidents of crime were the result of “something” and “asylum seekers”.
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