A first-of-its-kind hipster-house styling salon has opened in East London where people can go to receive a host of treatments designed to give them “the hipster-house DJ look”.
The salon, launched last week by young fashion graduate, DJ and entrepreneur, William Dixon, offers a variety of treatments that William claims will make “even the most respectable looking person look like a hipster-house DJ muppet”.
“We offer a whole host of treatments and grooming options, but also provide fashion tips and attitude training,” explained William. “People can have their hair parted, they can indulge in some beard topiary so that they can grow it to their chest, they can buy a range of wife beater vests or ankle revealing skinny jeans.”
“We like to think that everyone who walks out of here will walk out feeling like a hipster-house DJ,” continued William. “Although we don’t actually teach anyone to DJ here I am in the process of releasing a DJ training video that teaches up and coming DJs how to behave on stage by using dramatic knob twiddling techniques and gestures that have worked for DJs in the past, like nodding along to the beat or half-elbow fist pumping.”
William, seen here affecting an air of relaxed yet superior smugness, claims that in the salon customers will be able to avail of a range of accessories like beads, festival wristbands and retro watches. There’s also a small micro-gym where they will be taught the best ways to flex and accentuate their full sleeve tattoos as well as a host of exercises that will let customers “get enough of a pump on so they can show off their glamour muscles”.
“I think it’s great,” claimed regular customer Andrew. “Before I came here I looked like a contented, unique human person but now, thanks to all of William’s help, I’ve fulfilled my dream of looking like a perma-tanned alpha male fuckwit, just like a real hipster-house DJ.”
“They’ve shown me so much I never knew about conformed individuality,” continued Andrew. “Before I came here I used to part my hair to the left and didn’t even have my earlobe stretched. Can you believe that? I didn’t even look like a 30 year old teenager.”
William claims that Andrew is just one of many happy customers in a business that is going from strength to strength thanks, he says, to “everyone wanting to be, or at least, look like a DJ.” Plans for the business include opening a second location in Berlin, installing more tanning beds, teaching people how to say ‘I’ve always dressed like this’ and baseball caps with upturned peaks.
“Eventually I’d like to open my own plastic surgery clinic,” concluded William, “where people can finally have the facial reconstructive surgery needed to look like Hot Since 82 or Marc Kinchen.”
