Techno fans across the world who last weekend attended one of dance music’s biggest weekends, Time Warp in Mannheim, are being treated for a specific type of depression which doctors have described as “post-Time Warp blues”.
The disorder, doctors say, is not permanent and only affects those who “caned the fuck out of it” at Time Warp over the weekend and insist that the feelings of “depression should pass in a few days”, but warned that people suffering from the condition will be “wistfully remembering the experience for a very long time”.
“We’ve had reports of the condition from all across Europe,” declared specialist in post-rave depression Dr. Sven. “People everywhere are finally coming out of the fog of the party and realising how much of a good time they’ve had and wishing that it wasn’t over. These feelings are typically intensified by a return to the normality of work and manifest themselves as a lethargic attitude to anything not related to techno, daydreaming about Time Warp and saying things like ‘this time last week we’d only be going to Time Warp.'”
Dr. Sven advises people suffering from the condition to avoid intensifying the symptoms by “looking at videos on Youtube of Time Warp, posting photos from the event to Facebook and smugly telling people who didn’t attend how amazing it was”.
Other complications around the condition include raver’s elbow – a tightness in the elbow joint brought on by extensive fist pumping and by the elbow bend required to pop ecstasy tablets into your mouth, and raver’s back – a general pain in the lower back as a result of standing and dancing for hours on end to the world’s top techno talent.
Dr. Sven concluded by advising fans that “the only known cure for post Time Warp blues is to get your ticket for next year’s event as soon as possible” and that a palliative solution can be found by “having a Time Warp reunion this weekend and caning it largestyle”.
