An online survey conducted into the social lives of clubbers between the ages of 26 – 45 has reported a general decline among their ability to maintain hectic clubbing lifestyles with most informing the study that they’re finding it increasingly difficult “to hack the party” and they “can’t handle hangovers anymore”.
The survey, conducted by an online marketing company on the Monday morning after a weekend of moderate to heavy alcohol and drug consumption by clubbers across the world, found that “the vast majority” reported that they were suffering from what those in the industry refer to as “Danny Glover syndrome”, i.e. “they’re getting too old for this shit”.
“Most of the 10,000 regular clubbers who we surveyed reported feeling like they weren’t able to party like they used to,” explained the study. “A tiny amount, about 2% of those surveyed, claimed to be fine after a hard weekend of caning it but it’s believed that they are either talking out of their holes or some kind of session hacking freak who doesn’t feel the negative effects of the passage of time like Sven Väth or The Highlander.”
Symptoms that you’re suffering from Danny Glover syndrome include “hangovers that last more than one day, whole body stiffness, thick yellow urine that has the consistency of hot slurry, repeated declarations that you’re ‘doing nothing next weekend’ or ‘never drinking again’ and a pensive contemplative mood in which you question your reckless behaviour in clinical detail”.
“As well as the feelings of grogginess and guilt that accompany most hangovers, people in their late twenties and thirties who have been abusing their bodies through clubbing and its associated alcohol and drug consumption for years, will experience those feelings multiplied as well as an increasing realisation that they shouldn’t be overdoing it so much and need to grow up.”
“We discovered that although most people in their thirties know they shouldn’t be staying up for three days moving from one all day party to another and taking copious amounts of everything on offer, they have difficulty saying no and simply can’t help themselves,” the survey continued adding that thirty-something clubbers go to extra lengths to give themselves the best chance of recovering from a heavy session by stocking up on soluble vitamin C, Dioralyte, salads and valium.”
As well as liking the party too much clubbers in their thirties the report says suffer from a condition known as FOMO (Fear of missing out) and that this makes it extremely difficult for them to say no to an invitation for partying.
“If you or anyone you know is in their thirties and still going ‘hell for leather’ every weekend,” concluded the study, “then it is advised that you adjust your clubbing patterns to only include one big gig a month, Ibiza in the summer, weekends in Berlin and festival season to maximise the quality of the parties at which you slowly kill yourself with drugs and booze.”
zero fabrication here its all true..