EDM superstar David Guetta has announced that his upcoming tour will be performed exclusively by an extremely life like cardboard cut out of his own body.
“Well there’s no real need for me to be there other than to stand there and wave,” confided David. “I can have a technician put the CD in and let the cardboard cut out do the rest.”
It has emerged that the cardboard cut out was made using a 3D printer and looks exactly like David down to the “tawny beard, dirty blonde locks and dead look in its eyes”.
“It’s actually probably more charming and likeable than David,” remarked a source. “At least the cardboard cut out won’t mess up the mix by hitting the pause instead of play. Plus the cardboard cut out can be folded after use and placed into a box until such a time as it is needed again, you can’t do that with superstar DJs, unfortunately.”
David claims he was tired of living the charade that he was actually DJing during his performances and so decided to recruit the cardboard avatar to undertake his performing duties while he stays at home brushing his hair, wanking and making poor music.
“The cut out will be able to perform two engaging and dynamic poses by simply having a technician move the arms at a pre-determined point in the CD,” concluded the source. “It’ll be able to have the famous David Guetta hands in the air like a happy French Christ (pictured) and the other equally riveting pose for the crowds enjoyment will be David performing heart hands at the end of the set for approximately 15 minutes.”
“The people are so far back from the stage they can’t even tell if its really me or not,” claimed Mr. Guetta in response to the accusation that using a cardboard cut out was even more fraudulent than showing up and not mixing. “They’ve obviously already deluded themselves into thinking I’m a DJ so what harm deluding themselves more by believing that the cut out is me.”
