The First Mover, Jehovah, the Creator or God hit back today at long festering allegations that he/she/it, the immortal being responsible for creating the universe, was actually a DJ.
“I created the universe out of nothing in 6 days and then invented an extra day just to chill out,” declared an angry God, speaking in the booming voice of a bearded being existing outside time but piped directly into your brain. “That’s the quickest anyone has ever created a universe out of nothing. When was the last time you created something out of nothing? That’s right, never. Fucking waste of space.”
Ever since the release of Faithless’ hit God Is A DJ there has been widespread speculation that the father of the Abrahamic religious sects was in fact a beast on the 1’s and 2’s, but this is the first time God has confirmed or denied the reports.
“I can categorically say I’m not a DJ,” stated God. “As a disembodied figment of people’s imagination it is literally impossible for me to interact with the technological equipment required for me to become a DJ.”
“Also, why would I go from the power and the glory of picking a universe out of my hole to become a DJ?” asked an exasperated God, working himself into what he has described as an Old Testament style vengeful rant. “I’m an immortal being, worshiped by billions and the spiritual figurehead of at least three major religions so why would I come down off the throne to become something that any gimp with a laptop can claim to be?”
“On what MDMA trip did it come into your puny human skull that I’d ever want to become a fucking DJ?” he added, being a bit of a prick now.
God said that while he believes DJing to be a noble profession, akin to being a fisherman or carpenter and much better than tax collector, he feels it’s only appropriate for humans and that as an infinite, omnipotent super being, the career of a DJ would be beneath him, both literally and metaphorically.
“To put it in terms that Christians can understand,” explained God, “me being praised as a DJ is like an English speaking, privileged white Westerner being praised for how good they are at cleaning shit off toilets or working as a binman.”
“The rumours are completely untrue,” concluded God who says he is going to kill Faithless’ Maxi Jazz. “The next person who says I’m a DJ, puts it on Facebook or wears it on a t-shirt is getting cancer and AIDS so help me Me.”
He’s not a DJ he’s a producer derrr