Middle Eastern terror suspects have today issued a fatwa against “decadent Western hipsters for stealing [their] long beard idea”.
The suspected terrorists, who claim that the cultural reappropriation of the “thick and long pointed beard” is intellectual property theft and impinges on their image rights, have issued the declaration that “all those infidels wearing beards must shave immediately.
“First the West stole our land, then it tried to mutilate our religion before attacking our oil now its declared war on our faces,” declared an unnamed Muslim rebel based in Afghanistan. “Privileged Western hipsters are making a mockery of traditional Islamic values by wearing their beards in the Muslim style and nothing less than the complete destruction of Western civilisation will make amends for this affront to our overly sensitive sensibilities.”
The fatwa was delivered, like all fatwas, by an angry spluttering bearded man or Mufti, and declares that any non-Muslim who “has a beard that distends at least three inches from the face” and “extra fatwa for those who have a beard without a moustache” with that look being considered “particularly Al Qaeda”.
Hipsters are reportedly delighted to have been issued a fatwa on the grounds of their fashion choices claiming “we’re the first social group to be issued a fatwa, now any time anyone gets issued a fatwa we can actually say with all honesty ‘I was issued a fatwa, before it was cool.'”
“I’m not scared of a little old fatwa,” declared hipster Brandon Kyle (pictured). “It’s my face, I own jurisdiction of my own face. Well my girlfriend part owns it but she’s into beards for the time being so I can grow one.”
“I think it’s a bit rich coming from Islamic fundamentalists though considering they stole the whole ‘terrorist idea’ from Western terror organisations like the IRA and ETA,” he continued. “There’s a back and forth to the flow of ideas that they’re choosing to ignore so fuck them, I’m not shaving.”
“The West can’t leave anything alone,” concluded an unnamed terror suspect, visibly hurt by what he sees as a further embarrassment to Islam. “I can’t see how we’re going to get millions of hipsters to shave if their parents, bosses and fear of looking silly can’t do it. We’ll just have to add beards to the long line of things that the West has stolen from the Islamic world like astronomy, numbers, hummus and easily distinguishable terrorist archetypes.”
