Police services around the world have today issued a warning to parents regarding a shipment of LSD that has been packaged and disguised as Panini World Cup stickers.
Thousands of the popular stickers are set to be sold across Europe in the coming weeks as excitement for the World Cup reaches fever pitch.
“In a bid to avoid customs officers unscrupulous traffickers have released a batch of highly potent LSD in the form of the children’s stickers,” warned customs official David Bernstein. “The LSD is blotted onto the sticker face and can become active in the body merely through an absorption through the pores in the child’s skin, or in some cases where the child is actively kissing his favourite players, directly through the mouth.”
“The absorption through the skin is especially worrying as children are known to clutch vast reams of stickers in their sweaty paws in a bid to get swaps from their mates,” he added.
After reports which saw up to fifteen children in Brazil unwittingly ingest the drug after licking Cristiano Ronaldo’s face police are warning parents the world over to be on the look out for the drug laced football stickers.
The LSD is believed to be varying in strength with the most powerful strain of the drug having been blotted onto the face of World Cup favourites Spain, with reports claiming that the midfield duo of Xavi and Iniesta are especially potent causing hallucinations that have been described as “technically gifted with a short penetrative passing game”.
Some of the other stickers are believed to induce different effects with the “shiny” stickers said to cause “a buzz sort of like 2CI, a kind of sparkly speckled kaleidoscope”, while stickers featuring the free form attacking class of Germany are favourites to produce the most exciting high.
“The Russian national team are believed to have no buzz whatsoever,” added Mr. Bernstein. “The stickers featuring the English team start off full of bluster and promise, but usually peak early with the effects wearing off after around the group stage.”
Not all reports of the LSD laced stickers have been met with panic as certain groups, namely partiers and hippies, have begun buying up vast quantities of the stickers with many being spotted around the country with stickers emblazoned on their bodies, while others have taken to eating the stickers straight from the packet in the shop in front of everyone.
It’s believed that while the drugs increase spatial awareness and cause a profound improvement in the users understanding of the laws of motion and physics it definitely doesn’t make them better footballers, although it is believed it will make watching football even more enjoyable.
