A performing monkey has today been awarded with a lucrative residency in one Las Vegas’s top nightclubs after wowing punters with his unique skills on the decks.
The monkey, an African chimpanzee who has been living in captivity in the Las Vegas zoo, first came to the notice of local talent scout for XS nightclub while enjoying a trip there and became enamoured with the intelligence and charisma of the monkey.
“I’ve seen monkeys flinging their shit before,” gushed XS nightclub spokesperson Andrew Peters. “But never with the same accuracy as Chester. He was banging on a tin pot and laughing while flinging his own rancid faeces into the faces of the zoo patrons and they were just loving it. As were the rest of the monkeys.”
Andrew claims that while the beats that were being drummed by Chester, renamed Chimpanzii were rudimentary they bore a striking resemblance to Martin Garrix’s Animals and, after asking a zookeeper, he discovered that Chester was a keen fan of EDM, requesting to have to played during feeding times and even dancing to it.
“He’s a little performer is Chimpanzii,” admitted zookeeper and handler Harry Nessin. “I gave him a xylophone one year as a treat and he set up a little stage for the other monkeys complete with a mixing desk with the two upturned hollowed out coconuts for drums. He was banging away on it and every so often yelping into a banana like it was a microphone. Naturally the rest of the monkeys loved it. I think he even had his pick of the females that night.”
Following these obvious displays of talent Chimpanzii was adopted by Andrew and has been in intensive training to become a DJ for the last year.
“He’s amazing, he knows how to press play and mix two tracks,” gushed a proud Andrew who says that he trains Chimpanzii by using a banana reward system for every correct mix – “it’s the same strategy they used on Martin Garrix”.
“He still flings his shit at the crowd but I don’t think that’ll be an issue, the audience here in Vegas seem to love it. There are elements of the crowd that are actually there to have animal faeces hurled at their faces.”
The chimp has now amassed a huge fanbase among Las Vegas EDM fans who are mad about his rough and ready approach to mixing with Paul Oakenfold calling him “a less hairy Steve Aoki with better DJing skills” and rumours have begun circulating of his massive female following.
“He’s so cute, I’d totally fuck him,” claimed one female admirer who may be disappointed considering reports that Chimpanzii has recently begun dating one of the PJ Tips chimps after a fraught relationship with a bonobo monkey who he dismissed as a “total fucking nympho”.
“He totally looks the DJ, the plunging v-neck shirt and slicked back hair. He’s even got heart hands just about down now, sometimes it just looks like a misshapen penis but he’ll get there,” concluded Andrew.
“I think he’ll go far, the DJ Mag Top 100 doesn’t have a chimps only section but I think he’ll still place quite highly in the regular poll thanks to his novelty factor, marketable look and lack of DJing skills.”
Chimpanzii booked the residency for every Friday night throughout the next year and patrons to XS can expect “a jungle infused EDM set performed badly by a shit flinging monkey” – just like a less hairy Steve Aoki set expect without the facade that what you’re seeing is anything but a freak show.
