Paris Hilton’s Inability To Count To Four Ruining DJ Career

Hotel whoress Paris Hilton’s burgeoning career as a DJ/CDJ model is apparently on the ropes after it has emerged that she is struggling to learn how to beat match due to the fact that she can’t count as high as four.

According to sources close to Paris, it appears that her years of private education have failed her, as it was disclosed today that she cannot count beyond three, this being the most amount of penises she can deal with at any one time, and as such, being the biggest number she has ever had to know.

“Being the daughter of a hotel magnate she only really needed to know how spend money, not count it,” claimed a source who says that during childhood counting lessons Paris’s attention would always be distracted by her own reflection in the silver spoon which dangled from her neck.

During a set in Le Vag, a nightclub in Paris (the city, not her), she was forced to stop her set before it even began, as she could not get beyond the four count needed to begin it.

Reports indicate that she began to falter at two, and gave up entirely at three. However, most witnesses were relieved as “she’s shit anyway”.

However one fan, it would seem her only fan, was left in tears. He said, “I’ve always wanted to see Paris in person. I’ve watched all her videos. She makes it look so easy. She can mix without even touching the decks,” he sobbed. “I’ve seen her do filter sweeps with her back to the console. I don’t know any other DJ who can do this. Except, maybe David Guetta. It’s a mystery how she can be so skilful as to mix without even being beside the equipment.”

“Now that’s real talent,” he added defiantly.

“She makes everything look easy,” he continued. “DJing, modelling, herself. I was hoping she could show me a thing or two, so I brought a night vision camera with me just in case.”

It seems that counting to four is one of the most basic requirements for being a DJ, and as such her career may end here, unless she starts spinning waltzes or two-step which sources suggest is highly unlikely unless they become lucrative genres which she can exploit.