A young couple from London have brought their private troubles before the court in an effort to sort an ongoing dispute between them.
Claire Voyance is bringing her boyfriend to court, claiming “he is spending so much time on Ableton. I see so little of him, it’s as if he is cheating on me with the program.”
The young man, Sammy Guttman, claims that his 14-15 hour a day Ableton habit is completely reasonable and that his girlfriend “used to love sitting listening to him cycle through samples, VSTs and effects.”
The couple ran into trouble only two months ago when Mr. Guttman discovered the quantize and time stretch features and realised he could use any sample at any BPM. According to Ms. Voyance, he began time stretching anything he could get his hands on.
“He time stretched everything,” she said, “but couldn’t stretch his time to fit me in.”
She continued, shedding a tear as she spoke, “Once, while we were in bed, he tweaked my nipple to adjust the EQ on my moans, claiming there was a little too much bass in them. Another time, he tried to quantize my kisses by pressing my belly button, saying the rhythm was off by the slightest amount.”
She looked down at her feet, visibly upset, and continued, “The moment I really lost it was when he told me there was too much reverb on my vocals during an argument in the kitchen, and went to his studio to drag the vocal booth in so he could apply effects to my statements.”
The court case begins this week and is expected to divide the music production community. On one side are the music producers who think that his girlfriend is being unreasonable, on the other side, those who think he shouldn’t be using Ableton to produce music.
The judge presiding over the case has already confirmed that he wished the young man would use Logic Pro, however issued that statement with the caveat that “It is a free country and he is free to do as he wishes. Unless his girlfriend says otherwise, then he has to do whatever that instead. That’s the unwritten law of the land,” said Judge Rhineholt in a statement today.
Mr. Guttman is expected to attend the court case, however insisted that he be allowed to be sound engineer on the day, and that the stenographer keep perfect time when recording the proceedings.
Harr harrrrr