People who proclaim themselves to be part of the millions strong psytrance family are actually not even related, a study has shown.
The study claims that anyone who claims to be part of the psytrance family isn’t genetically related to their fellow psytrance family members and is just a “bit of a dweeb trying to find some sense of belonging from a shit genre of music”.
“We really thought that a simple declaration of membership via a tweet or t-shirt would be enough to confirm genetic membership of the psytrance clan,” explained study leader Barry Hughes, “but apparently it’s just a pithy statement and actually quite meaningless.”
“Psytrance family members aren’t a real family in the literal or legal sense, more just a clan of loosely tied crusties who like the same music and will become defensive whenever they hear it spoken about in a derogatory manner,” continued Barry.
“Sort of like European royalty,” he added, “anachronistic, inbred and largely unnecessary.”
Some members of the psytrance community lashed out at the results of the study and insisted that they are in fact a proper family.
“We’re a family in the same sense that the Partridge family are a family, i.e. – not really,” explained one gentleman who identifies as a psytrance fan. “I mean, me specifically, my mother is technically my sister but even in spite of that she still agreed to marry me, that’s family.”
Barry claims that he actually did expect all of the psytrance fans to be related based on how “weird and Deliverance-y they all look.
“It’s surprising because I really expected, from the signs of inbreeding and malnourishment prevalent among the pystrance family, that they actually were all related but it turns out only a small amount of them are,” explained Barry.
“I mean a few of them come up to you at a festival, dressed in tiedye and smeared in luminescent grease proclaiming that they’re a psytrance family and the first thing you think is bollocks, that’s just one of those ‘we’re all the same’ unified hippy things that idiots say to belong but sometimes you’ll pick up on things like their buckteeth, dirt-tan and insect habitat hair and think, maybe they are all inbred.”
