Bristol based electronic music producer Eats Everything has finally lifted the lid on what really happens in the backstage area of festivals.
Eats Everything, real name Daniel Pearce, spilled the beans on himself and many of his counterparts in an exclusive interview with Wunderground earlier this week.
“DJs are just like ordinary people,” claimed Eats Everything. “Well apart from the fact we’ve got great hair, wear designer label clothes, piss in marble toilets, have butlers – or in my case John from upstairs – to wipe our arses and dine on fillet steaks and cocaine every night, so when it comes to festivals we just want to slum it and have a good time like the rest of you normals.”
“But that can sometimes be hard when you’ve constantly got people coming up to you requesting photos and videos of you, so there’s a bit of an unwritten rule, what happens at festivals stays at festivals,” continued Eats. “But that was before Ollie Jones (Skream) went around telling people I shit my pants at Hideout last year but that’s bollocks, it was Bovril…congealed, brown, shit-smelling Bovril that happened to be on the gusset of my underwear.”
Eats went on to describe backstage antics that included “wet willies, fire extinguisher fights and, insanely, quiet pre-show professionalism”, and that he decided to lift the lid on how DJs live at festivals as revenge for the “largely accurate” poop lie perpetrated by Skream.
“If you look at the picture I’ve given you it really looks like myself, Ollie, Maceo Plex, Catz n Dogz, Carl (Cox), Seth (Troxler), Justin Martin and Richy Ahmed are line dancing at a Gerth Frocks gig, it’s a LGBT Garth Brooks tribute act,” explained Mr. Everything. “But that’s not the case at all, we’re just nine taut bodied Adonises looking for a misplaced bag of ket.”
“We eventually found it Troxler’s bum hole, but there was none left.”
“There’s always things like that going on in the back stage area,” revealed the DJ. “Sometimes we’re looking for ket, sometimes we’re just chain wanking while singing Johnny Cash’s Folsom Prison Blues before a Dolly Parton gig – but the important thing is we’re always having fun.”
“People always say ‘oh we didn’t know you were all gay’ and I always tell them ‘we’re not gay we’re just festival gay,'” he continued. “Wanking a mate off at a festival isn’t really gay when you think about, people wear stupid hippy clothes at festivals all the time but that doesn’t make them actual hippies does it?”
“Nothing wrong with being gay mate, sexuality’s a spectrum and being into dance music puts you in the ‘open to wanking in front of your mates’ end of it,” he added.
“None of us are what you’d call classically gay,” confirmed Eats. “Well actually classically gay means happy and as you can see in the picture we’re all really happy, apart from Maceo Plex that is, he looks miserable, probably feeling a little inadequate after putting his hand on Richy Ahmed’s beast for the first time, he’s hung like a whale that lad.”
You can hear more hilarious backstage festival stories in Eats Everything’s fly on the wall Christmas annual Bleats Everything, available in your local newsagent December 1st.
