Popular eighties coming of age movie character turned unpopular teenies mid-midlife crisis party animal, Ferris Bueller, has called in sick to work again after ending his weekend asleep in a skip.
Bueller, who works as a used car salesman, made the call just after eight o’clock this morning after waking up disheveled and confused in the skip, which was located approximately sixty meters from his house.
“I have no idea what I was doing in that skip,” explained a dusty and bleary-eyed Bueller earlier today. “But waking up on a Monday morning with no idea where I am isn’t new to me. Nine times out of ten I’ll be in the bed of a woman with self esteem issues, but every so often I’ll wake up somewhere completely random, like today.”
According to witnesses, Bueller was thrown into the skip by a band of buskers after performing an impromptu strip tease during their cover of Sam Smith’s Stay With Me before urinating in their collection bowl.
“Work wasn’t an option for me this morning, I was covered in a combination of dog and rat shit, and also stank of piss so I just had to call in sick. I discovered a long time ago that if you keep running away from your problems then you never have to face them, and can basically just piss about going to ball games and driving Ferraris, or, what I love to do now, using large amounts of drugs and alcohol,” continued Bueller before taking a long drink from a bottle of whiskey. “I’ll probably go back in to work tomorrow, hopefully I wake up in my own bed. I’m living the dream baby!”
Bueller’s boss and former friend Cameron Frye claims that the formerly adorable teenager will be reprimanded for his latest no show as his day seizing antics stopped being endearing after a near heroin overdose in 1999.
“Ferris is a walking disaster,” claimed Frye. “I only gave him the job because we were friends when we were kids. He was great fun back then but we all gotta grow up sometime. The first time he called in sick it was kinda funny, but every other Monday? Come on, if it was anybody else they’d have been fired, or dead, by now.”
According to Bueller’s ex-wife, Sloane Peterson-Bueller, Ferris has been going through a difficult patch recently, “It’s been a tough thirty years for him, he’s almost fifty years old now but he still goes around partying like he’s in his late thirties. I really hope he gets his life together soon or he’ll be left in a whirlwind or drink, drugs and casual sex forever. Who wants that?”
At the time of going to post, Bueller’s likelihood of going to work tomorrow has gone from good to doubtful after he was seen leaving his house, trouser-less, riding his eight year old neighbour’s BMX while calling his job pretending to be his dead father to say that Ferris was under the weather again and wouldn’t be in work til Friday.
