Going to a nightclub is now the same as walking onto the set of a photo shoot, it has emerged.
A survey published by the London Institute of Surveys claimed that, having analysed nightclubs and photo shoots, they found “massive similarities” between the two places.
“They’re both basically places where beautiful but dreadful people will be encouraged to prance and posture to background music while mustachioed men whose talent has been wildly inflated can feel like they’re legitimate artists,” claimed the report. “Other ways in which they’re similar include the presence of 20 something year old media types mistakenly thinking that they’re part of a legitimate cultural expression and not just cogs in a corporate wheel.”
“I hadn’t been to a nightclub in about five years,” claimed 35 year old former clubber Simon Cranwell. “When I walked in I thought I had the wrong place, the music sounded almost incidental and everyone was walking around posturing like H&M clad peacocks, paying no attention to the music. I genuinely thought I had accidentally walked into the middle of a dickhead themed L’Oreal advert.”
“At one point there was a bright flash and a loud cheer from the crowd, I thought ‘this is it, maybe I just didn’t have the right dance floor’ fully expecting to find people dancing under a strobe and whooping for the track the DJ was playing,” continued Simon. “But it was actually just a large group of acquaintances posing for a photo and loudly congratulating themselves on their own brilliance.”
“I tried to strike up a conversation with them but they all seemed more interested in having me take their photos and then, feigning embarrassment, and asking not to be tagged in it,” he added. “I could tell they definitely wanted to be tagged though.”
Everybody who goes to a nightclub, claimed the report, now inadvertently signs up to be the subject of a photo series that should probably be entitled “vacuous dickbags stand around while a man in a vest with tattoos blasts insipid noise out of a machine in self congratulatory cultural vacuum.”
“Although they’ll probably just give it some title that sounds compelling but doesn’t actually mean anything – like Tagged or Flesh.”
Some members of both the clubbing and photography community have expressed disapproval at the comparison between the two, claiming that the two are “nothing like each other”.
“Photo shoots are places where vain, self-involved man-mannequins burnish themselves in flattering unguents under hot lights while a cackling team of camera-strapped puppet masters click off reams of ever more elaborate and unnecessary photographs,” claimed the DJ/photographer. “Whereas nightclubs are places where vain, self-involved, man-mannequins burnish themselves in flattering unguents under hot lights while a cackling team of camera-strapped puppet masters click off reams of ever more elaborate and unnecessary photographs.”
