A techno-loving astronaut has been left bitterly disappointed on his first trip into orbit to discover that there is actually no terrace in space.
Captain Willard Graham, a Detroit native with a passion for scintillating techno, was planning the scheduled trip for months, anticipating that he’d be able to sneak away from his mission of measuring the microwave background radiation to throw some serious shapes on the terrace.
“Every astronaut dreams of going to space, and I’m no different,” explained Cpt. Graham. “For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to leave the bounds of the Earth behind and drop pills while listening to Carl Cox pump out a groovy techno set on a dance floor in outer space. But when I finally got into orbit, there was no terrace, just a load of black intimidating space, sort of like Berghain.”
Cpt. Graham insists that he searched for hours to find the terrace without success claiming he “was floating around for ages” without success even though “there wasn’t even a queue or anything, maybe it was closed”.
“I thought it’d be like one of those floating space island thingys like in Spaceballs,” he continued. “But there was fuck all there, just the ISS and our shuttle. Worst holiday ever.”
“I had loads planned, I was going to moonwalk, spacewalk, fist pump and shuffle,” claimed Captain Graham. “I even managed to source some space absinthe of the cosmonauts on the ISS. I had it all planned.”
“I’m just disappointed, it is space – it really should have a terrace,” concluded the forlorn captain who says on his return to Earth that he plans to visit Space Ibiza where he hopes to get “a proper Earth leaving experience”.
