Dutch electro-house harbingers Blasterjaxx have today signed up to a worldwide tour which attempts to promote awareness and support for those suffering from jacks blasting preventable disease, diarrhoea – which kills thousands every year in deprived parts of the world.
“It’s good to finally see EDM stars give something back to society, most of them just apply minimal actual talent to a well developed marketing plan and good timing to become rich, before fading away into mediocre obscurity a few years later,” claimed a commentator from EDM-rag EDM Is Like Totes Amaze Magazine. “The same thing will most likely happen to Blasterjaxx, being as they are, bereft of discernable talent – but at least they’re using their status to help people before they end up ghost-producing albums for pop stars.”
“It’s a little known fact that Blasterjaxx got their name after experiencing what doctors termed – a hefty bout of watery bumsplash – following a failed attempt to eat a rancid burrito from a shoe while high on everything,” continued the source. “The two of them had to cancel a show because they were so ill in the bumhole with squirting, sludgy-brown ass water that they couldn’t even flush the chain never mind twiddle knobs for 45 minutes.”
“The blasted coating of arse paste that they left all along the formerly pristine bowl, like a particularly scatological Jackson Pollock painting, inspired them to call themselves Blasterjaxx,” added the source. “Jack’s being a slang term popular in the UK and Ireland for a toilet and blaster being what their anuses did to the jaxx.”
Blasterjaxx will play the shows parts of the world that are most affected by diarrhoea including West Africa, South East Asia, Glasgow, the toilet in any Wetherspoons and deadmau5’s Twitter feed.
“We were going to be called Diarrhoea Dudes or Bumleaks,” concluded the brave EDM mannequins, “but when we settled on Blasterjaxx we knew we had a name that had an EDM quality, having as it does unnecessarily added letters and a vague relationship to noise.”
