A study carried out by the International Association of Ears has revealed that tinnitus is better than EDM.
Tinnitus, a condition caused by noise-induced hearing loss common among DJs and various other people associated with the music industry, is the perception of noise within the human ear when no external sound is present and is often represented by a piercing ringing.
“Everyone always says that the sound of tinnitus is the worst noise you’ll ever hear,” explained Miles Hoggard, chief researcher at the International Association of Ears. “But having heard things like my dead wife’s death rattle and Ronan Keating singing I wasn’t convinced. So we decided to carry out a survey to see just how bad it actually is.”
“To discover exactly which noises were the worst we went to our local psychiatric hospital and locked a number of patients in interview rooms with the different noises piped in and a set of rubber knitting needles sitting on the table in front of them,” continued Mr. Hoggard. “The quicker the subject tried to stab him or herself in the ears with the rubber knitting needles the worse the noise.”
“Needless to say Ronan Keating singing and death rattles both induced really quick response times,” claimed Hoggard. “However, neither times were anywhere near that of tinnitus, which clocked in with an average response time of just one minute and twenty three seconds. We really didn’t think anything would beat that. Until we started to play EDM that is.”
“Naturally we chose a Steve Aoki song for the experiment as we only wanted to use the very worst noises in the world,” explained the researcher. “We had wanted to use a track that he made himself but after searching his entire discography we couldn’t find one so we went with one he’d made with Afrojack. The results were fascinating. Within thirty seconds of starting the music every single test subject, bar one, had reached for the knitting needles.”
“We found out later that the one person who didn’t go for the rubber knitting needles was actually deaf, so we’ve proven beyond all reasonable doubt that tinnitus is better than EDM.”
According to the report, the only other form of music that came close to to causing the levels of discomfort associated with tinnitus or EDM was death metal. However, Mr. Hoggard claimed that the only way any other form of music could be on par with them was if it was produced by Steve Aoki.
