A self proclaimed Ibiza veteran who constantly maintains that the island “isn’t what it used to be” is only holding that opinion because he can’t handle his ketamine, it has emerged.
27 year old David Browne, who is from Reading but speaks with a faux London accent, has been making the claim that Ibiza isn’t what it used to be for the last two years.
“At first it was just something to say to fit in,” he explained. “Like responding to every observation by saying ‘Beefa innit’, it’s just an involuntary statement that you make so that you sound like you belong.”
“Then when you arrive for your second season you’re able to make a comparison between how the island was the previous year and how it is now, like a Daz doorstep challenge or Pepsi taste test except with drugs and an island,” he continued. “For me personally, and most people who’ve been on the island more than once, you jump at the first chance you got to predict a decline in standards in Ibiza.”
Friends claim that David’s assertions, which he maintains are based on things like the quality of the parties, the clubbers and the music, are actually just a front because he actually can’t hack his ket.
“David’s been coming here since 2013 but reading about it in Mixmag since 2002, so you could say he’s something of an expert on Ibiza so when he says things like it used to be better, you think it’s true,” confirmed David’s friend Alex. “But in the last few weeks it’s become apparent that the only thing in decline in Ibiza is David’s ability to handle ket.”
“As everyone now knows, ket is the biggest drug on the island, spit off the cliffs above ket cove and you’ll see the effect it’s having on people as they don’t notice your warm spittle drip down their semi-conscious faces,” he explained. “For people who are unable to handle fat bumps of shard the island probably has lost its lustre but they just need to man up and do it for a while to build up a tolerance.”
“About two weeks should do it,” he concluded.
