A recent study has claimed that an increased rate in the occurrence of people fucking animals is directly linked to the use of digital mixing suite, Traktor.
A criminal survey carried out on people who had been arrested for bestiality crimes uncovered the link that most of them were bedroom DJs who used Traktor several times a week.
“In the last five years we’ve seen a massive increase in the number of people having sexual intercourse with their pets, farmyard animals and even those in the wild,” confirmed police spokesperson and attorney Kelvin Smithers. “I can’t count the number of times I’ve busted in on a strange young man wanking a horse in a barn only to discover that he was a wannabe DJ at a local club.”
“If you see someone using Traktor you can be pretty much assured that he or she has probably just fucked an animal in the last twelve hours, maybe there’s a feather on their collar or some dander in their pubes.”
So far, according to detectives, it’s not known why Traktor users are compelled to touch genitals with a different species but it’s suspected that there may be a bug in the program that subliminally suggests getting down with your pet labrador.
“We just can’t know the causal reasons at this time, all we know is that if you use Traktor then you’re likely to start fantasising about placing your penis in a saucy goat or having your vagina penetrated by a labradoodle,” he added. “We’d recommend learning how to mix vinyl and sticking to having consensual sex with other humans or your own hand.”
Traktor have declined to elaborate on the strange phenomenon except to deny that their program causes users to fuck animals insisting that “if those people are too lazy to learn how to mix vinyl then they’re probably too lazy to find a fellow human with which to have sex”.
One Traktor user, who wished to remain nameless, claimed that he’d never found his pet gerbil Alex sexy before but that after becoming disillusioned with trying to mix on decks and making the switch to Traktor he suddenly began to see the benefits of just doing whatever the fuck is easiest and began fucking animals, not cleaning up after himself and supporting Chelsea.
Police have since rescinded their claims that people who use Traktor are having sex with animals saying it was a typo in the press release and they meant people who use tractors are more prone to bestiality.
