A lifelong dance music fan from Dublin has reportedly “cringed himself inside out” after watching Hollywood’s treatment of the scene he loves in Zac Efron’s DJ movie, We Are You Friends.
Witnesses claim that 35-year-old Paul O’ Reilly, who asserts his dance music fandom by repeating the story of how he took his first pill at a Prodigy gig in 1997 and has Blue Monday on vinyl, sat down to watch the film with the intention of “giving it the benefit of the doubt”.
“Within about five minutes, you could see Paul getting increasingly uncomfortable,” explained Paul’s sister Bernie, herself a fan of popular commercial EDM who thought the movie was “like totes amazeballs” and that Zac Efron “was so hot, he should actually become a DJ cause I’d pay to see him”.
“Paul’s eyes started twitching, he crossed and uncrossed his legs several times while repeating the phrase ‘Ah for fuck’s sake’ over and over again,” continued Bernie standing by Paul’s hospital bedside and holding a headphone emitting Jeff Mills’ into the inverted inside out ear cavity of Paul. “He was holding his hand to his face as the scene where they explain how to DJ was taking place and I thought he was just hiding his face because he was so utterly embarrassed for everyone involved in the making of the film but he was actually beginning to turn inside out.”
“The next thing we know he just screamed ‘what the fuck are they playing at’ and cringing uncontrollably before his lips started peeling back over his head and his gastro-intestinal system fell out of his mouth-hole to dangle there like some fleshy, pink and purple bagpipes,” she continued. “We knew then that it was serious and that we should knock off the film immediately, and probably burn it, just to be safe.”
Bernie finds it difficult to recount the next few moments as inside-out Paul begins thrashing on the bed which happens, according to Bernie, “every time he remembers some aspect of how the filmmakers haven’t a clue about dance music and butchered club culture”.
“He gets kind of flashback shudders and turns inside out a little bit more,” she explained. “Doctors are hoping that by reinforcing his belief in the dance music scene via proper music and tasteful interpretations of the culture in film that he’ll eventually turn outside in with pride.”
“I never thought anyone could cringe them self inside out,” she wept. “But that was before I watched Zac Efron and do a culture rape on dance music for money in that cursed film.”
The doctors treating Paul say that while he is inside out, he’s still very much alive but in critical condition and can only be revived by a sustained course of all genres of well executed, artful dance music.
Some of the other incidents that have caused human’s to cringe themselves inside out include Ant & Dec’s “banter”, bro culture, topknot hairstyles and Steve Aoki’s entire career.
“We hope that with the techno rehab Paul will be his old self in 2-3 years,” explained the doctor. “That’s how long it takes to unsee We Are Your Friends. I’ve got one word for anyone thinking of watching it, DON’T. Lest you too turn yourself inside out and spend the next two years lying in a bed looking like a bowl of spaghetti bolognese.”
