A man who brought his children on holiday to Ibiza has been left wondering “what the fuck [he’s] after doing” after witnessing the levels of hedonism visible on the island.
Dan Thompson, a middle aged ex-raver, fulfilled one of his life’s ambition after visiting the island for the first time, however, he soon realised he had made a massive judgement mistake by bringing his wife, Alice, and two children, Miles (4) and Jo (2), with him.
“My whole life I’ve wanted to come here,” explained a dejected Thompson while supervising his children in the kiddies pool. “I had lots of opportunities when I was a young man but I was too busy spending my money on going to raves and taking drugs, now I’ve finally got myself over here and I can’t even enjoy it. It’s like going on a whoring holiday to Amsterdam with a broken banjo string.”
“I’ve got a wife who just wants to sit by the pool all day and a pair of shit machines who do nothing but tell me they’ve crapped their pants and invent new ways for me to spend my money,” ranted the unhappy holiday maker. “The spending money and pants crapping bit was expected but I always thought it would be me doing it when I finally made it to Ibiza, not my douche children.”
“I may as well have gone to Guantanamo Bay for a holiday because waterboarding really doesn’t seem all that bad compared to the torture I’m going through over here,” claimed Mr. Thompson dramatically. “Sometimes I just feel like my family are suffocating me. Mostly just since I arrived here and seen everyone partying and all the hot single women, but still, I need to let off some steam or I’m going to snap.”
“Carl Cox is playing in Space later, I don’t care if it costs me my marriage I’m going,” he continued with a devious glint in his eye. “I think I’ll just tell the missus I’m going out to get ice cream and pretend I got lost, I’ll only take one pill so she’ll be none the wiser.”
According to reports from Space, Mr. Thompson did attend Carl Cox’s gig later that day, however, his night was cut short after he took ecstasy, spent all of his money on cocktails and shit his pants in the queue for the toilet.
