A homeless looking psytrance fan has choked to death on a coin after a passing good Samaritan threw his loose change into the man’s coffee.
Alan Burrows, who looked destitute despite a comfortable upper middle class upbringing, was found with a number of coins in his stomach and a fifty pence piece lodged in his throat.
Doctors in University College Hospital London confirmed that Mr Burrows suffered death by asphyxiation before “sticking him in a refuse sack and throwing him out the back with the rest of the dead homeless”.
“This was a really strange case,” confirmed Dr Annie Change. “We get a lot of dead homeless people showing up in here but usually they die of hypothermia, drug overdoses or starvation. Death by asphyxiation is very irregular, especially given the fact that this poor bastard choked on coins, he must have been so hungry and delirious that he thought somebody dropped a couple of lovely chocolate coins from Marks & Spencer in his cup and tried to eat them.”
“The poor fella was like a piggy bank when we found him, there was almost a pound in his stomach and fifty pence in his throat,” continued the doctor. “The sad thing is if he spent all that money he could have got a meal deal from Tesco, which coincidentally has about the same nutritional value as a handful of coins.”
According to hospital staff, Mr Burrows’ body was quickly retrieved and sent to the morgue for an autopsy after they were informed that he was not actually homeless.
“It was shocking to think that that poor fella wasn’t actually homeless,” claimed porter Brian Williams. “He looked and smelled just like a homeless fella and he was dead, which, in the eyes of society, is what most homeless people may aswell be so we just presumed he was a vagrant and threw him on the pile.”
“We’ve got him back now so his family can give him a decent burial,” continued Mr Williams. “It’s just that when you see someone who looks like that you just don’t think that they’ve probably got a family who loves them but I guess this kinda proves that they could have, just like the rest of us.”
