Research from the European Commission claims that a significant drop in birth rates across the EU can be attributed to the ever increasing popularity of Native Instrument’s beat matching program, Traktor.
The DJing computer program has become so popular that more men are mixing tracks than “mixing their semen into a fertile female”.
An increasing number of men aged between 18-30 are forgoing having children to focus on DJ careers – a prospect made easier with the advent of Traktor.
The report claimed that rather than spending time with their girlfriends, young men are choosing the company of computers. Reports indicate that Traktor doesn’t even “play the odd bit of porn”, which has left analysts spooked.
“Yeah, balls to kids,” said one man interviewed, “I’d rather be at home playing with myself. And by that I mean Traktor.”
Sources confirm that across western Europe, where DJing is the most widespread, there are reports of men not “going to the gym or undertaking the basic responsibility of washing themselves.”
Samantha Higgins claimed that her “boyfriend barely rides me anymore. He’s always just in the room or the shed, playing with his Traktor. Sasha will have his kid quicker than I will.”
