A preacher in Austin, Texas, has announced plans to release the first ever Christian House album.
Former DJ, Mike Johanson, preaches at the Church of the Holy Manipulation in the suburb of Georgetown, in the greater Austin area. He spoke to us about his former life as a DJ and the thinking behind the album, “Well obviously I’m still a DJ, you don’t give up mixing for anything, not even for God,” he stated unquestionably.
“I was a real hell raiser a few years ago! I was into everything, girls, alcohol and lots of drugs. I actually found god at a dance festival,” explained the preacher. “I was at the Miami Winter Music Conference and I stumbled into a Steve Angello show by accident. The music was a kind of bland, electro-house horror show that could only be survived if a person was heavily sedated with ketamine,” he admitted remorsefully.
“I found a nice quiet little corner and racked out a line capable of taking down a small horse. Next thing I knew I was rushing through the galaxy, I ended up in a beautiful, inter galactic, space-garden, where I met god. He told me, ‘Mike you’re too old for the DJ game, you will never make a fortune on the path that you are on, join the church and you will have everything you desire.’ I made the decision then and there that I was going to change my ways the second I snorted the last of my ketamine,” he continued assuredly.
“It was a very hard change to make. At first I was really unhappy but as I started to read the bible, and understand its message, I began to realise that it didn’t matter that I wasn’t a DJ. I mean think about it, god made everything so in a way DJs like Sasha and Nick Warren, guys I really respected, can’t claim any credit for their work because it was essentially god’s doing and now that I am a representative of god I’m sure I’ll be able to produce exceptional music,” he claimed with unbelievable self-righteousness.
“I’ve been doing a bit of research in my sermons lately. Playing background music and seeing which genre the congregation react best to. I’ve also started having laser shows mid service, which are going down extremely well with the younger sci-fi fans in the audience,” explained Johanson.
“The album I’m making is House with a definite Christian sound so you could say it’s a whole new genre but it’s basically a commercial house album except with more Christian-y elements like vocal samples of a Samuel L. Jackson impersonator reading bible passages, the distorted sound of me saying the word ‘Amen’ repeatedly and on one track the sound of six altar boys weeping. All of these tricks will feature across ten tracks, each one a church hall filler with crazy amounts of bass being dropped,” explained the preacher, pictured above during one of his pastoral meetings.
“I always thought ‘selling out’ and making this type of generic music was the worst thing a producer could do but now I know it was god’s plan for me all along and I feel no sense of remorse at all,” explained the musical man of god.
“You see making commercial EDM and preaching the Bible are extremely similar. You’re basically just taking an old idea, twisting it into something you don’t necessarily agree with so it fits the needs of the masses and then using it to relieve idiots of their money. Its a formula that has been working for the last fifteen hundred years and I have two clear groups of absolute morons to target so this album is bound to be a success,” he said while rubbing his hands greedily together.
Mr. Johanson hopes that the album, Work Hard Pray Hard, will be ready for a Christmas release.
