Dutch trance star, Sander Van Doorn, has announced plans to take a break from the music industry to focus his energy “on [his] other passion in life, male penises.”
The DJ, who claims he has “always been fascinated, both aesthetically and emotionally, by erect male genitals,” has stated that he is tired of the music industry and sees opening a museum dedicated to “penises of all shapes, sizes and colours” as the perfect outlet to relax back into a normal life after touring heavily for years.
“I’ve just always been a massive fan of the male form, and in particular, the penis,” explained Sander, pictured being interrupted by the sight of a beaming phallus during a promo shoot. “When I see an erect penis it’s like a beautiful painting or an awe-inspiring piece of design. There’s a German word, stimmig, which has no direct translation in English, but means ‘coherent and harmonious’ with a little bit of beauty thrown in. I think of that word every time I glimpse an erect penis.”
“Throughout my career I’ve traveled the globe and wherever I went I’d always take the time to sample the local indigenous cultures,” continued Sander. “As a result of my interest in penises I’ve collected a couple of thousand pieces of male fertility symbols. They’re great, so shiny and virile. Some of them are as small as a baby’s baby finger while others are as big as a baby’s arm holding another baby’s arm.”
“It’s always been something of a hobby of mine to come home after a long and tiring tour, run a hot bath with scented oils, candles and plenty of bubbles. I’d bring in some of my favourite pieces of penis art and litter them around the tub,” enthused Sander. “I could stare at them for hours, with the condensation beading off the shafts. When I get out of the bath, three sometimes four hours later, I’d be shriveled all over. Thankfully though, my penis collection never shrivels.”
“That’s the experience that I want the visitors to feel when they come to the museum,” explained Sander. “They can come in and look at the penises, test the weight of them in their hands, or against their chins, or spend sometime in the drawing room where they can draw penises to their heart’s content. Nothing beats the strange contentment that comes when you spend your day surrounded by male penises.”
Sander went on to claim that all of the pieces in his collection are renditions of “erect penises only” insisting that “flaccid penises don’t interest me, I don’t even like my own. Any time I see a flaccid penis I just think of bush heavy old men in swimming pool shower rooms. I can’t smell chlorine without thinking of old men’s soft cocks.”
“I’m not gay,” insisted Sander. “I mean, I watch a lot of gay porn, like a lot, but that’s only for the penises. And sure, okay, I’ve been in some situations that might be termed ‘gay’ to an observer but for any of those incidents I was always alone, and the only penis involved, besides my own, was a black one made of rubber that I bought in a quaint little neon penis museum that I found down an alley in Amsterdam.”
Sander concluded by saying that while he will regret giving up making the music he loves he is excited about “spending every day of my life delicately polishing a fleet of penises, standing at attention like silent sentinels, giving them that light catching, glistening, shine.”
“Sometimes,” he added. “I like to think that they’re communicating with me. Smiling knowingly and winking.”
