Cocky DJs Doing “Jesus Arms” When Mixing Considered “Cool” By Morons

A recent upsurge in the number of DJs prancing unnecessarily behind the decks has been greeted with enthusiasm by morons in the EDM community.

The attention seeking behaviour, which when used sparingly by the DJ to show appreciation to a crowd is a warm and welcome gesture, has been hijacked to the point where the DJ is more important to the audience than the actual music.

“Yeah, did you see that?? He fucking owned those levels,” said a clubgoer at a recent tech-house gig. “I love to see a DJ ponce about acrobatically onstage. You can tell that how they look when playing music is important to them, and as a poser cretin, that’s equally important for me.”

“It was fucking brilliant,” exclaimed another EDM fan who prefers ostentatious outdoor events compared to intimate club nights. “There was a bit where he kind of brought the track down,” he explained, “but you could still hear that the kick back in wasn’t far off. When it came the DJ absolutely lashed the level back up with needless force and then stretched his arm out towards the crowd while leaning back with his eyes closed and nodding. It was one of the best things I’ve ever seen a DJ do.”

“And I’m one of those saps that stands in front of the DJ booth stroking my chin while watching their every move, so I think I know what I’m talking about,” he added.

“I love seeing the DJ so into it, the look of concentrated passion on their face is so fantastic to see,” continued the muppet who is considering having PLUR tattooed on his arm. “I remember one time a friend of mine who was dancing in front of me, turned his back to the DJ and started dancing facing me as if to say ‘hey mate, let’s have a dance together,’ but that seems pretty fucking gay and lovey-dovey to me, totally not what dance music is about.”

“To be honest, I rarely even go for the music anymore, that’s just a backdrop for me,” he continued. “The real action is whatever the DJ is doing. Is he going to throw a fist pump at any point? Will he perform a kind of ‘give me more’ gesture to the crowd? One hopes that he does all those things and more, otherwise what’s the point?”

“No-one wants to go to a show to just dance with their friends to good music, you want to see the DJ throw shapes on stage.”

“Well, obviously the big pay off for me, and the thing I hope that the needlessly energetic DJs do at the end of the night, is show heart hands to the crowd,” he said enthusiastically while reminiscing with his eyes closed.

“People say that the height of the clubbing experience is being in the moment for the peak of a blisteringly classic tune in a nightclub made heavenly with a palpable sense of communion,” he concluded, “but for me it’s not about that at all. I’d much rather see an overpaid, sweaty arsehole make a cringe worthily pithy hand gesture to a crowd of idiots.”