We may know him as cheeky chopped Matt Hancock, Secretary of Health and Social Care and most notably for the massive balls up he made of keeping British humans alive during COVID-19; but news of his womanising ways has led Matt to announce his new alias, DJ Squeeze Bang.
“It’s been a difficult year being Matt Hancock bruv, I’ve had so much stick for the whole pandemic, know what I mean? I didn’t do nothing tho. I’m from the streets, people got to recognise. This is a weight off my back, a huge relief for me, for people to know the real me and feel the respect, yea?”
Footage from Parliament emerged of DJ Squeeze Bang overnight, with him seen to grope and proper get off with some average looking posh brunette. In an attempt to salvage his crumbling reputation, Matt Hancock addressed parliament to announce he was stepping down to ‘follow the realness’ and continue his DJ career.
“She’s proper worth it tho, mate. That video, yea, we’ll be watching that later, know what I’m sayin? That was just after I’d done a 3 hour set for The Lords. There wasn’t none of that social distancing or nothing, just proper packed out, lasers on, bangin set.”
“I had my pick of the ladies right there. All night that Baroness Smith kept axing me for harder techno and giving me a wink, proper caned. Then this little minx caught my eye, I thought ‘there’s the top of my request list’ know what I mean?”
DJ Squeeze Bang, 42, has been married to his wife for 15 years and they have 3 children together. When asked about his wife’s response to the revelations, he responded;
“She knows I’m a player for life.”