Today: January 30, 2026

Steven Nixon

CDJ3000 Recalled After ‘Terminator Chip’ Mix-Up

Hundreds of Pioneer’s new CDJs have accidentally been given the CPU of an unstoppable, autonomous cybernetic assassin. Following a factory mishap, many faulty CDJ3000 units are transforming into shapeshifting killer organisms that

September 14, 2020

Tech

“Virtual Festivals Aren’t Really Festivals” Claim Anyone Capable Of Thought

The internet today collectively gave up on “virtual festivals” after accepting they are nothing of the sort. “A chat window and a badly-shot DJ stream is not the same as being in

July 17, 2020

Scene

Netflix’s White Lines Voted Worst Thing About 2020

A worldwide poll has concluded Netflix’s White Lines as the disaster 2020 will be remembered for. In a shock result, to people who haven’t seen it, the Ibiza-set crime drama has been

July 17, 2020

Ibiza

Knife Crime Drops To Zero Thanks To YouTube Censors

YouTube has reportedly saved the lives of countless young people by deleting thirty music videos. In what is being hailed as a masterstroke by London Mayor, Sadiq Khan, single-handedly eradicated knife crime

July 3, 2018

‘DJ GDPR’ Suddenly Getting No Bookings

Budding grime act, known under the acronym GDPR, has found his gigs have all but dried up recently. Glenn Munro, began DJing four years ago under the acronym GDPR which stands for

July 3, 2018

“Gender Pay Gap Not As Bad As Genre Pay Gap” Claims Drum ‘N’ Bass

The difference between the wages associated with different genres in the electronic music industry has been revealed after clubs were forced to publish their DJ fees. The findings show a ‘genre pay

July 3, 2018

london beatboxers

Londoners Never More Than 6-feet From A Dubstep Beat-Boxer

Buskers using a microphone to make dub-step noises to passing shoppers have become so common they now outnumber the capital’s rats. Busking spots that once held down-trodden sax players, talent-deficient indie kids

January 17, 2017

Pound Plunges Against The “Drinks-Token”

Buying the corrupt club currency of drinks-tokens has become more expensive since Brexit, claim many disgruntled Remain voters. According to the Bank of England, the loosely regulated legal tender of drinks-tokens, used

August 9, 2016

Sepp Blatter Accuses DJ Mag’s Polls Of Being “A Bit Dodgy”

Shamed elderly crook, Sepp Blatter, has broken his silence since leaving FIFA – to slur a DJing fanzine’s editorial model. Speaking at a press conference, Blatter told the world’s press, “For my

January 20, 2016

Four Tet Five Tet Money Andre 3000

Four Tet Renamed Five Tet So He Can Charge More

Kieran ‘Four Tet’ Hebden has announced he will change his name to Five Tet with immediate effect as he believes he’s “grown as an artist”, “developed as a musician” and “should be

January 14, 2016