Scotland’s answer to beige wallpaper and cucumber, Calvin Harris and Andy Murray, have released plans to open Scotland’s first ever charisma school.
The unlikely couple, who met at a charity dinner earlier this year, claim that Scotland is suffering a major charisma crisis and feel they are equipped to help the country’s charisma levels get back to where they should be.
“Myself and Calvin really hit it off straight away,” claimed Murray in a voice that would put an insomniac to sleep. “It kind of felt like we’d known each other for years and we were easily able to stand next to each other, frowning and not saying anything for hours on end without any type of awkwardness.”
“We knew we needed to work together from day one,” continued England’s greatest ever tennis player. “We just weren’t sure how we could collaborate so we thought of all the things we had in common, we’re both Scottish, we’re both rich, we both dislike working class people and we’re both extremely successful because of our charisma.”
“So a charisma school that would help working class people to be more like us and less poor seemed to be the perfect idea.”
Wunderground also managed to speak to Calvin Harris, “Andy’s great, if he was a female popstar I’d definitely date him, I actually thought about dating him anyway but there was no way it would benefit my career so I think we’re definitely more suited to being business partners than lovers.”
“We won’t actually be teaching in the school, there’ll be way too many poor people around there for us, but we will be investing some money into it, using it for tax breaks and eventually making a nice little profit out of it. If it helps some people to become more charismatic, very good, but I don’t really care either way.”
Initial reports suggest that Harris and Murray will be looking for over three thousand pounds in tuition fees from each student signed up to the school, which is set to be named the Harris and Murray Making Poor People Better Academy.