House legend David Morales has this week announced to his followers they can subscribe to his new OnlyFans account to see thousands of topless pictures, all taken over the last 40 years in clubs around the globe.
“THE PANDEMIC HAS KICKED THE SCENE IN THE NUTS MAN” shouted David, while buffing his chest with a noisy belt sander.
“NO INCOME? A DJ’S GOTTA EAT!” roared Morales.
“WELL… NOT THE EUROPEAN ONES OBVIOUSLY! THEY JUST DO KET AND APOLOGISE ON SOCIAL MEDIA. BUT ME MAN? WINGS, PIZZA, KRISPY KREME… I BE GETTING HUNGRY!!
“And there isn’t going to be any gigs any time soon” Morales says, turning off the belt sander before slowly massaging a blob of Turtle Wax into his pecs in a clockwise motion.
“So up onto the internet my diddies must go!”
“Actually, this isn’t the first time I’ve monetised my boobies. Back in the day in Brooklyn, I used to charge one fee for a DJ set and then another fee for tits out.”
“So if you wanted the full Morales experience – the dance floor heaving, house sounds booming and me in the booth bouncing around like a giant musical Page 3 birthday card… then you were paying extra!”
Morales claims OnlyFans has proved to be a decent side hustle so far and has even begun to offer some upgrades.
For $55 he’ll send a signed Needin U record and email you the stems. For $95 he’ll send you a signed picture of the time the Karate Kid waxed his chest at a corporate gig and for $4000 he’ll call you on facetime and do a 16 hour “La Vie en Stereo” set.
It is rumoured that several other high profile DJs are interested in setting up an account with OnlyFans, and will do so when they’re able to re-hire their tour managers and get the screen unlock codes for their phones.