A DJ from Detroit with the unfortunate title of DJ Knob Twiddler has shocked fans and friends alike by admitting that he actually does very little on stage. The admission was made after he came under fire by critics who claim he was overpaid and underworked.
“Of course I am. I’m a DJ. Sure most house tracks are between five and seven minutes long. What do you think we do during that time?!” he said this afternoon during a press conference.
While some DJs have claimed that the length of house music tracks afford them time to indulge in needless coke habits or a bit of harmless fellatio from an easy groupie, DJ Knob Twiddler has forgone these stereotypes, admitting that he doesn’t do drugs and that there is no groupie crouched beneath his decks.
“I just play the music,” he said. “After I press play and beat match the tracks, I usually just twiddle the knobs for a bit to make it look like I’m busy.” We asked if this is what lead to his DJ name, but he replied, “No… That’s a personal story I’m not willing to share here,” whilst blushing like a teenager who had just admitted to liking Cliff Richard.
“I can’t keep the charade up any longer,” he said.
“I do fucking nothing up there…Especially since I started using Traktor. I just press ‘Play’, press ‘Sync’, and then usually drink until I fall over.”
Many DJs around the world have expressed solidarity with DJ Knob Twiddler, admitting their relief that they can now just sit down and relax until the track is finished playing.
However, some overpaid and over-hyped international DJ’s are baying for his blood after he shared their secrets. Steve Aoki claimed, “He’s ruining it for everybody,” showing a singularly remarkable lack of self awareness. Tall Paul was reported as saying, “Who is he?! Is he even relevant anymore?” And Carl Cox was reported as saying, “I’ll nut the fucker when I see him.”
DJ Knob Twiddler’s admissions may see the pay of DJs everywhere cut in accordance with how many hours they actually work. It would seem that out of a two hour set, DJs may only work for about fifteen minutes, which will see their pay cut dramatically.