DJ Mag has announced that this year’s Top 100 Clubs poll will be rebranded as the Top 100 Financial Liabilities poll, for obvious reasons.
Nightclubs, previously hedonistic safe-havens celebrated by millions around the world, have in the last 12 months been downgraded to ‘financial burdens of little other use’.
Darren Price, a prominent UK Midlands-based club owner, welcomes the rebrand.
“It’s been my dream since I was a kid to own a big empty warehouse that never opens but costs me tens of thousands of pounds every single month in insurance – without ever giving a penny back, so it’ll be great to hopefully get some recognition for that.”
“It’s all about having that giant vacuum of unusable space, decked out with the best in light and sound, of course. I’m proud to say I spent over a million pounds on that sound rig, and I’ve not turned it on once all year. That’s the kind of opulence others can only dream of!”
“I honestly don’t mind pouring the money down the drain. If I cared about money I would have become an insurance broker that sells insurance to clubs – or a Bitcoin expert on Facebook. They’re the only ones making money these days.”
While there are cries of a mental health emergency in the industry, Darren says he’s been coping just fine.
“It hasn’t really bothered me. I’ve not really been thinking about it. I mean, I generally only get about an hour’s broken sleep a night where I toss and turn and suppress the constant panic attacks that bubble up from within, but that’s been going on all year – probably nothing to do with the finances at the club.”
“My wife has left me, I suppose. Well, kicked me out. I’ve been sleeping in the DJ booth. I suppose it’s a good thing the club is closed, or I couldn’ do that.”
“I do cry a lot. Especially at night, when I’m all alone, lying on the floor of the DJ booth in a sleeping bag, holding back those panic attacks, thinking about my wife and going over the books in my head… but I think those are probably tears of happiness.”
“I love this club!”