We Are FSTVL have today announced that 2018 will be the last year their infamous main stage will be erected without a border.
The festival promoters, well-known for taking the piss when it comes to stage sizes, were notified last month by the UK Border Authority that the 2019 edition of the festival would need to either drastically downsize the main stage, which is technically 50% inside the UK, 50% outside the UK, or face running a border directly down the middle of the structure.
The new stage setup would see strict immigration controls erected in the midsection of the DJ booth, with stringent suitability tests given to all those who wished to enter the UK from the other side of the stage. DJs, sound engineers, dancers and freeloading groupies have all been advised they must carry their passport with them at all times.
“I mean, I can’t wait to play ‘We Are’ again, but it’s going to be a bit of a nightmare clearing customs every time I want to access the left or right CDJ.” Said Ben Klock when speaking to Wunderground earlier. “I don’t usually have to queue up again with my luggage or go through X-Ray just to mix in the next track. Did they have to run the border right down the middle?”
Mavis Killjoy, from the UK Border Authority claimed “its the biggest erection I’ve ever seen at a festival, that’s for sure. You know you’re dealing with something special when an erection is so big that it becomes entangled in the Brexit debate and we are forced to supply full-time border control personnel to sit permanently on the erection.”
Organisers of the festival fear DJs who aren’t residents within the UK may be refused access to the left side of the stage, while UK-based acts may be unable to access the right side of the stage.
MK, who will also play the 2018 edition, has already been booked for an exclusive one deck set on the new 2019 stage; “Yeah, I mean, if this is what you guys voted for, I’m excited to give it a go. It is what it is I suppose, if I can’t get to the left deck because the UK has decided to ‘progress’ then I can’t get to it, I’m just glad the effects are on the right side of the mixer!”
“This is a great day for dance music!” said Nigel Farage on BBC Breakfast this morning. “The guys over on the other side of the stage were always well dodgy, I’ve been saying it for years. Now we can keep them out! Likewise, every good DJ knows the booth monitors on that side always sounded stodgy, the decks were always broken, and the drinks always mysteriously went missing. Over on the right side of the booth we had our shit together, and the left didn’t like that.”
“Plus, without the additional running costs of the left side of the stage we should save around £350 million a week, which we can plough directly into bad suits, yellow teeth dye and pints at the bar!”