My Berghain Hell – Dale Winton

British morning TV personality, housewives’ favourite and trolley dash expert, Dale Winton, has today spoken out about the horrific time he was forced to endure at Berlin’s premier clubbing spot, Berghain.

The fake tan virtuoso, known across the U.K. and Ireland for his family friendly campness, claims that while attending the nightclub as part of a documentary for Sky Travel he was left traumatised by some of the things he saw which he described as “like something out of Saving Private Ryan, only louder, more terrifying and with gay guys”.

The anguished star, who attended the nightclub on the recommendation of fellow possibly gay morning TV star Ryan Seacrest, says that he went to the nightclub expecting it to be a “family friendly, burlesque, Judy Garland and Cosmopolitans type of place” where he could indulge in mildly flirtatious gay innuendo and be in bed by 9pm.

“I don’t think I knew what gay was before I stepped into that club,” wept Winton into a custom-made handkerchief of his own design. “I’ve never experienced that side of homosexuality before, the high-octane, techno soundtracked a-gay-ressiveness of it frightened me. It’s not the type of thing you come across doing guest appearances on This Morning.”

“It was the dark face of gay,” he continued. “For years I’ve made a living being the light, acceptable face of gayness in the UK but now, after the things I’ve seen, I don’t know if I can look into the eyes of the nation’s grandmothers and act out an acceptable charade of camp, non-threatening homosexuality.”

“I’ve just seen too much,” he added.

Describing some of the so-called “horrific” scenes he witnessed Winton claims he saw “two men kissing on the mouth with beards” as well as “men masturbating each other in full view of everyone, without gloves or even manicured nails like they weren’t even ashamed of their gender at all”.