A new clubnight aimed at absolute cunts has sold out in a record 1.4 seconds despite not being advertised to the public in any way.
The instant sell-out was a complete shock to its organiser, Jordan Fleshlight, who stated; “Yeah fam I was not expecting such success so quickly innit, although I do excel at most things in a matter of seconds, you get me? I mean, I only got the idea to do the gig about 5 minutes before, maybe less. I said it to nobody. I just thought ‘what a fucking dickhead I am’ and then I thought ‘let’s throw a party for dickheads like me and we won’t let any sound people in, just absolute dicks’.”
“Cos I’m an absolute twat, that sounded like a fucking amazing idea to me. So I stuck the tickets up on Resident Advisor and I shared the event on Facebook, or at least I tried to, but before I could even hit the post button the fucking event had sold out!”
“Now the fucking ticket touts are all over it. I initially set the ticket price at nearly fifty sheets despite there being no real talent to speak of, or any real substance to the night at all but because everybody that bought them was an absolute dickhead, they happily paid it.”
“Now the touts are selling them off at 4 times the price and because the only people buying them are absolute mongs and arse-jockeys, they’re paying that too.”
“I think next year I’ll do a festival. 6 stages rammed with absolute arse-wipes, both on the stage and off it. We’ll stream the whole thing live to millions and we’ll clean up bruv. 2017 is gonna be the the dickhead rules the club… just like 2016 actually!”