Paris Hilton: “I’m One Of The Top Five DJs In The World At Giving BJs”
Socialite and porn profiteer, Paris Hilton, has claimed that recent reports which quote her as saying that she is one of the top five DJs in the world are mistaken and that she was actually claiming to be “one of the top five DJs in the world, at giving BJs.”
“Oh that was a mix up, I can’t DJ for shit. I don’t really need to be able to DJ being a DJ, the people who pay to see me live are either doing so ironically or are idiots,” she asserted. “But I am however one of the top five DJs in the world at giving BJs.”
“It goes Boy George, then me, then Boy George again, then Hardwell and I’m not sure who number one is but Calvin Harris made $46 million this year so what does that tell you?”
“I’m not saying it’s my best skill,” she continued. “I do have other skills such as – ostentatious spending, repeatedly saying ‘that’s hot’ about everything, living my social life like an open wound and having the emotional depth of a piece of cardboard smeared with a combination of human, dog and bird shit in any of the utterly regrettable movies, TV shows and TV appearances that I’ve ever appeared in.”
“Being a vacuous, self involved pariah is hard work,” she added.
Paris, best known for being the daughter of hotel magnate, Conrad Hilton, and for performing night vision sex acts on a large groaning man, went on to claim that, although she was proud of her ability to perform fellatio, she didn’t want to be defined by her sexuality and hoped that her attempt to be considered a DJ by repeatedly posing in front of CDJs wearing skimpy outfits covered in foam, would dispel any doubt that she was just cashing in on her fame as a giver of blowjobs.
“Some commentators will say that I have absolutely no business whatsoever being a DJ and that the fact that I have gotten a residency in Amnesia has torpedoed the credentials of that longstanding nightclub and offered a focal point for everything that’s wrong with EDM,” offered Paris. “But I’m willing to work hard to be a star…by singing digitally enhanced vocals on tracks that are produced by more talented people and then slapping my stupid face and name onto the final product.”
“Ultimately I don’t want to just be defined by giving blowjobs, I really want to be a serious DJ,” she concluded. “Like Steve Aoki, or iPod Shuffle.”
Funny to say this, but she became the most talked about DJ in the world the second she mentioned she was in the Top 5. Yet she was already getting the same fee to actually just be a host at a party. So she DJ’s for free, which is how it really is. The only difference is she got rid of the DJ, became the DJ and doesn’t DJ. Brilliant when you think long and hard about it.
You have to hand it to her PR though.. making millions out of being total trash takes a LOT of talent!