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Plastic-Free Festival In Essex Sees Five Thousand Turned Away

Plastic-Free Festival In Essex Sees Five Thousand Turned Away

An eco-friendly festival in Essex has this morning announced bankruptcy having turned away all 5000 ticket holders last weekend, as plastic was prohibited from the festival grounds. 

The extremely large and frustrated queue waited for 6 hours, stretched back over 5 miles long, and was even photographed by two Astronauts from the International Space Station, who happened to be staying in the Premier Inn Chelmsford that night.

“It’s discrimination is what it is” said Kerri Richardson, who was rejected thanks to her Silicone lip-fillers.

“If I could inject compost into my face, I would. But until then, we work with what we’ve got.”

One woman slashed open her bosom with a Michael Kors switchblade and remove her implants in the queue, in absolute desperation to see her hero, Joel Corry.

“If I start chopping bits of plastic out of me, there will be none of me left” one onlooker was heard to remark.

The event organisers have also faced a backlash from local environmental groups, who claim the event should have gone ahead as planned, due to the knock-on effects the queue had on the environment.

“The heavy concentration of cheap designer fragrances produced extreme air pollution that caused respiratory distress to much of the local wildlife” said Ed Hacher, a local treehugger.

“16 Chihuahuas and a Miniature Puggle are currently in hospital fighting for their life.”

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