After years of trying to genetically engineer the perfect DJ, backyard scientists in a London council estate have finally just said “fuck it” and cloned Carl Cox instead.
According to reports, following significant advances in cloning technologies, the scientists were able to successfully clone the DJ but taking a sample of his DNA from a towel he used to mop his brow during a festival performance in late 2017.
James McCartney, a former child P
“We’ve spent so much time trying to create something perfect when, in reality, the perfect thing we were looking for was right under our noses all along,” McCartney explained earlier today. “Sometimes all you have to do is open your eyes and see what’s right in front of you.”
“The next few years are going to be really interesting, there’s six of us on the team and we’ve decided to all take an active roll in raising little Carl,” continued the scientist. “We’re all blokes, but really, in this day and age, we don’t think that a child being raised in a garage by six men with fairly significant drug habits is all that strange.”
“He’s still only a baby but already we’re starting to see his musical taste develop,” added McCartney. “Every time we play him any sort of commercial music, he cries, whenever we put on tech house he falls asleep, whenever we play house or techno he smiles and whenever we play him psytrance he shits his nappy and throws up all over himself. It’s remarkable to watch.”
“The one thing we really want with little Coxy is for him to be treated like an actual child and enjoy a healthy and fulfilling childhood. So, we’ve decided, when he’s old enough, to let him out to play for at least one hour a day and that he should only have to practice mixing for a minimum of thirteen hours every day.”
Carl Cox is believed to be completely in the dark about his clone but said “Oh no, oh no” when Wunderground explained it to him.
This piece of cutting edge journalism is brought to you by the lovely people at EXIT Festival.