The long running and often violent argument of whether vinyl is intrinsically better than digital has been officially declared as “the most tedious argument in the history of music” according to a panel of industry experts.
The historic decision, which people hope will see an end to hostilities between the two camps, was reached after the entire clubbing community unanimously decided that they were “terminally sick of this pointless argument” and that “too many people have lost their lives in this senseless conflict”.
“It’s probably been the most longstanding and entrenched conflict of the modern world,” claimed one commentator, 34 year old lifelong music fan Daniel Guthrie. “And I don’t say that lightly, I’m including Northern Ireland, the West Bank and Blur versus Oasis in that.”
“Although,” he added, “none of those conflicts result in so much regrettable sectarian violence as the vinyl versus digital debate.”
People the world over have reacted overwhelmingly favourably to the decision with most hoping that they can now browse internet forums or Youtube comments sections without seeing the argument needlessly played out everywhere.
“I’m looking forward to putting the whole thing behind me and finally just putting my feet up and arguing about something else, like who shot first Han or Greedo, you know, stuff that matters,” continued Daniel. “I read somewhere that we’re five years away from having the capacity to mix mentally through our thoughts using microchips implanted directly into our brains, so I’m really looking forward to arguing the merits of conventional tactile mixing and futuristic mental mixing.”
“It just got to a point where I was sick of every tech conversation or forum thread descending into childish name-calling over whether vinyl sounds better than digital, or the merits of digital DJing in opening up possibilities,” claimed another commentator, music blogger, Gemma Curtis. “I just want to take a break from all that fighting and enjoy the music, provided of course that the genre is correctly identified, because I can’t stand when people miscategorise broadly similar genres and I’m willing to argue incessantly about it across a variety of social media platforms.”
The industry experts claim that from now on the argument is considered defunct and should be avoided by everyone as it “only brings out the worst in otherwise friendly habitual drug users” and that if people still feel the urge to tediously argue about something that doesn’t really matter they recommend the following – “any argument with your other half over anything at all, any aspect of politics or the existence of God”.
