A medical report published today claims that DJs are the most prolific spreaders of chlamydia on the planet – with “DJ” Pauly D being declared the world’s number one carrier.
DJs are ten times more likely to have casual diseased sex with stupid people trying to appear cool resulting in the spread of STI’s like chlamydia, gonorrhea and genital warts, claimed the report.
“I was with the famous reality star turned DJ in the past and let’s just say he left me with a little something extra,” laughed one respondent, New Jersey’s Amanda Bryant, “and it wasn’t an encore or taxi fare – it was a highly dangerous disease. Of the sexy variety.”
Doctors have advised people not to sleep with DJs because they’re cock-rot afflicted bags of sleaze who will definitely at least give you thrush should you sleep with them “much like Pauly D, Paris Hilton or anyone associated with the current, misnamed deep house scene”.
“I really enjoyed the three minutes of sex I had with my troll doll-haired muscled-pimp,” continued Amanda, “it gave me the opportunity to liberally apply Canesten steroid cream to my scabby vagina.”
“Something which I haven’t been able to enjoy since the time I accidentally gave myself nappy rash by pissing my pants on a packed bus stuck in traffic on ketamine,” she added while picking at a “cornflake-like” coldsore adorning her lip.
The report claimed that almost all DJs will catch, or have caught, chlamydia at some point in their lives with “most catching it and passing it on more than once” but that Pauly D lives in a constant state of riddled claptrap and will give the disease to people who “even just shake his hand or pose for a selfie”.
“DJs, with their access to easy sex in a variety of cities around the world, are essentially walking bags of disease,” claimed the report which named Pauly D as a super spreader. “We implore DJs everywhere to ensure that they wear protection and advise people attracted to DJs that there is nothing inherently sexy about a prima donna who plays someone else’s records for money.”
“If you find yourself attracted to the DJ based on the attention he or she receives then you’re probably just a weak willed person who needs to live vicariously through others and probably deserves to catch an STI,” advised the report.
Other people who are likely to give you a sexually transmitted disease include the cast of Geordie Shore, footballers and Dapper Laughs.
