After publicly admitting that he has pooed himself on stage, pint-sized pop star, Ed Sheeran, has today released plans to launch his own brand of anti-shart bum tampons.
The singer, famed for his dulcet tones, ginger hair and for once falling in love with a bean bag while high on pills, admitted in an interview that he accidentally shat himself on stage when he misjudged a fart.
“Yeah it’s actually happened a few times where I’ve been in the middle of A-Team or Lego House and think ‘yeah I’ll leak this gassy goodness out now’ only to follow through and stain my gusset in brown bilge water,” he explained. “What makes matters worse is that my pre-show meal is often chili so not only does it come out runny but it also burns.”
“It’s tough to plaster a smile to your face and sing when your hole is on fire,” he added.
Ed claims that after ruining four pairs of expensive silk boxers he was left with no choice but to start sticking tampons into his own asshole to prevent the flow of dirty brown bum juice running down his leg mid-show.
“At first it was great, I had so much freedom to move, like a woman on a Bodyform advert,” he explained. “But the fit of a tampon is a little too cumbersome for an asshole so I decided there and then to create my own brand of anti-shart bum tampons.”
Ed says that he teamed up with Pampers to create the tampons, which he says fit easily and snugly into the anus like “a baby finger or firm tongue”, to develop the tampon which will be available this autumn.
“When I talked to my performer friends like Chris Martin and Adele, they admitted to regularly shitting themselves on stage,” he added. “I know for a fact that Kanye West only ever shits when he’s on stage, that’s why he looks so constipated and dour all the time.”
“Now whenever I perform I feel secure and free, knowing that I’ll be dry for the performance,” he concluded. “Once the gig is over I’ll be to tug on the string and release the lump of brownish, wafty cotton from my arse.”
“I’ll even be able to toss the tampon into the crowd as a little memento,” he added. “The people are going to love it.”
