A shock statement issued by the NHS this morning has revealed that doctors are now prescribing that Dutch taste vacuum Tiësto be pumped into terminal wards at high volume 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to help remind sufferers of incurable diseases that it’s “not so bad after all.”
NHS head of finance Alison Pepple had this to say of the drastic new strategy being employed, “between the endless cash flow problems and Tory budget cuts we were in a really desperate position, in terms of both staffing and equipment”
“Then on lunch one day whilst trying to find some soothing music for the chemotherapy patients, one of our interns accidentally put on Tiësto’s 2014 musical abortion A Town Called Paradise.”
“We can only assume they read the word trance and thought it meant in the spiritual context and not the genre adored by ten year old girls and fully grown adults who use a Dulux colour swatch to grade their spray tans. It was absolutely horrific.” explained Ms. Pepple, with the look of a shamed child who had just been caught scalding a younger sibling with a hot teaspoon.
“Above the screams of a child who had just undergone 6 hours of intense radiation treatment all that could be heard were endless chord progressions and uplifting rave synths. Within minutes the child was quiet and still. A look of calm spread across his face. He just kept repeating ‘let me leave’ like a sort of mantra”
“We realised at this point that if we can no longer afford to save patients anymore we can at least help them on their way as quickly as possible.” Ms. Pepple continued, choking back tears weighed so heavy with remorse they had started to generate their own gravitational pull.
“So this morning we downloaded the whole of Kaleidoscope and subsequent remix package. We downloaded them illegally though, the guilt of what we are putting our patients through is enough without contributing to that waxen faced exploiter’s streaming revenue.”
Joe Pantone, a thirty eight year old stage four mesothelioma suffer, was also kind enough to give Wunderground a few minutes of his precious time to talk about the controversial new treatment too.
“When you look into the eyes of your wife and realise that it may be the last time you do it, a survival instinct kicks in; you say ‘NO. Not now’ even when you know it’s hopeless. But when you stare in to the eyes of the women you’ve devoted your entire life to and realise you know every lyric to Wasted, Tiësto’s UK Dance Chart No.1 featuring Matthew Koma, you begin to understand that it’s better off if you just go quickly.”
At this point Ms. Pepple and Mr. Pantone broke down completely and we were forced to play them the Martin Garrix featuring ‘The Only Way Is Up’ to remind them just how much worse their situations could be.
