A European DJ who has just been granted a touring visa for America has revealed that he is excited about the prospect of seeing the United States but more excited about having a “license to kill” when he gets there.
Aspiring Swedish EDM star DJ Poopyloops, a.k.a. Christian Solveig, has admitted that the prospect of owning a firearm and having the opportunity to kill a man far outweighs any money or experiences he may encounter while touring.
“I’m from one of these normal countries where it’s not considered acceptable to have a gun hidden in a cigar box at the back of one of your cupboards,” explained Poopyloops earlier. “I’ve never even held a gun before so I’m really excited about going to America, where everyone has the right to own a deadly weapon.”
“In my country, Sweden, only highly trained people like policemen and soldiers, or people who have been stringently vetted and awarded licenses, are allowed to own guns,” continued the DJ. “How crazy is that? We don’t even give them to mentally unstable people or teenagers who haven’t really grasped the concept of right and wrong yet. We’re totally living in the dark ages.”
“The first thing I‘m going to do when I get state side is buy myself a big automatic rifle,” claimed Poopyloops. “I definitely have the right to defend myself while I’m over there but I also have the right to feel like I’m a character in Battlefield so I’m going to do them both at the same time.”
“I’m really looking forward to getting drunk and playing with the gun, it’s going to be so much fun,” he said with a beaming smile. “I’m not planning on actually killing anyone but you know how it gets when you’re drunk, one thing leads to another so you never really know what’s going to happen. I also have the added advantage of being white and having some money so even if an ‘accident’ does happen I should be alright.”
According to friends of the DJ, giving Poopyloops a gun would be a massive risk to everyone he comes into contact with’s safety, although, denying him the Second Amendment would be unconstitutional so it’s probably a risk worth taking.
