Governments all over the world are warning their citizens to be extra vigilant after the number of global marijuana related deaths rose by over 100% to zero so far this year.
This year’s number of marijuana related deaths is the highest since the cannabis plant was introduced into Earth’s ecosystem in the Late Cretaceous Period, approximately one hundred million years ago.
Angela Clancy, of the Parents Against Drugs group, warned that parents need to realise the dangers of marijuana and claimed that she “needed a drink” after reading the latest statistics.
“I’m not surprised that the number of marijuana related deaths has increased by one hundred percent. I’m actually surprised it’s only one hundred percent given the amount of refugees coming across the border in the past twelve months. It’s about time parents and local councils opened their eyes to the real dangers associated with marijuana use,” Clancy said earlier.
“Did you know that you’re more likely to be killed by marijuana than you are by a ghost?” continued Mrs Clancy. “I’m afraid to turn my lights off at night, I have this vision of Bob Marley’s ghost strangling me in my sleep stuck in my head and I just can’t get rid of it. It’s terrifying.”
According to a leading political spin doctor, the number of marijuana related deaths has risen steadily every year since records began and could eventually lead to the downfall of all mankind.
“For anyone who actually knows what they’re talking about this latest statistic is not one bit surprising,” claimed the source. “Last year, the number of deaths rose by one million percent on the year before, which itself was about a hundred thousand percent more than the year before it. Who knows what next year is going to bring. Something needs to be done before someone actually dies.”
Meanwhile, stoners everywhere are not believed to be worried by the statistic and are recommending that people “like chill the hell out” before they give themselves an “aneurysm or something”.
