The London Underground, more commonly known as the Tube, is now London’s only surviving underground scene.
Stuart Holden, a spokesperson for the London Underground Night Gang Society or LUNGS, claimed that the closure of fabric, the latest in long list of clubs to feel the council’s wrath, means that there is currently no underground scene in London, apart from the Tube.
“London used to be such a cool, metropolitan city with a healthy and vibrant underground scene,” claimed Mr Holden. “Then the council came along with all of their rules and regulations and started fucking it up for everyone. Now we’re left with nothing apart from a few commercial shitholes, a couple of hipster hangouts and the Tube.”
“The hipster and commercial scenes are no fun at all so myself and my fellow LUNGS members have taken to hanging out on the Tube,” explained Holden, who lives in a basement apartment in London’s Acton area. “It’s not really that much fun either but it’s totally underground and, at the moment, we’ll take whatever we can get, desperate times and all that.”
According to Barry Watts, a supervisor at Old Street Station, the trains have become overrun with “large gangs of youths” listening to “that boom boom music”.
“It’s terrible,” claimed Barry. “Once we hit nine o’clock at night the bloody trains are full of these weirdo kids with stereos listening to music. They’re an awful eyesore but they have valid tickets so there’s not a whole lot we can do about them.”
Rumours emerging from Westminster suggest that Tube stations could face immediate closure unless a solution to the current “Underground problem” is found.
